The three previous lessons were designed to help husbands and wives take a closer look at areas in their marriage that may need a little improvement. Great marriages don’t happen by accident. Great marriages are the direct result of dying to self and allowing God to change and remold us into His image. When we have a strong, healthy relationship with God, we will also have a strong healthy relationship with our spouse, our children, with family and friends. Wives, this session is designed to help your husband become a better leader, a better father, and desirous of being your very best friend. Please don’t become a spectator. God’s word always has a way of speaking to the needs of every heart, so let’s begin with Happy Wife – Happy Life!
When a husband or wife say that they enjoy a wonderful marriage, what they are really saying is, “MY NEEDS ARE BEING MET!”
This session is structured to both inform and remind husbands that their wife has needs that only a husband can meet . Mr. Husband, do you know the top three needs of your wife? Take a moment to write down what you believe are your wife’s three deepest needs: 1- ____________ 2 – _____________ 3 – ______________
Now, let’s put your answers on pause while you put yourself into your wife’s shoes. The way she sees you may be a lot different than the way you think she sees you. Several years ago I became aware that my wife always drove into our office parking lot and parked directly in the middle of a yellow line, taking up two spaces. I asked myself, “Why does she always do that? Then it hit me that she is much shorter than I am and her ability to see what I see is not the same! The next time I drove into the parking lot I slide down to about her height and realized that I could hardly see the yellow line. Her view was different from mine, and so the end result was quite different. Admittedly, that is a physical difference, but you get the picture. Women don’t see the world with the same eyes and mind sets as men. With that in mind, let’s take an honest look at how she may see you through your words and actions, your demeanor and behavior. Forget about your needs for the moment and think about the woman that you made a sacred vow to love, honor and protect. Here is the first question —-
Would you be excited to see you come home from work on a daily basis? Yes ___ No____ If so, why_______________________________?
If not, why not?????? _____________________________________________
Remember, on the other side of your actions and words is someone with a heart and deep felt emotions, because that is the way God created her to be. Remember that she is the “weaker vessel, (very valuable) that God gave to you to love, protect, and cherish. Mr. Husband, when you look into her face, do you see a precious vessel with cracks, mars, or chips, or do you see a wife whose eyes dance with excitement and expectation? If you see the mars and chips, how did they get there? ________________________________
If you said “Yes,” to the blemishes and cracks, understand that some changes need to be made, but also accept the reality that you may be the one who needs to change. Also come to grips with this truth; You cannot change yourself from the outside in, you must allow the word of God to change you from the inside out. Prescription #1: Give your wife a heavy dose of “unconditional love.” The same love that Christ freely gives to you. NOW, let’s take a look at the answers to your wife’s three greatest needs.
# 1 – SECURITY
The first need of your wife can be found in the Book of Genesis when God said to Eve, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Simply put, the greatest need of a woman is “Security.” The word “rule” is not to be confused with the dominating attitude of a drill sergeant. A man of wisdom always make decisions based on helping someone else enjoy a better life. God’s command to the husband is simple: “Love your wife as God loves the Church.” That is huge! It means that you are to love your wife more than you love anything or anyone else, that her happiness and well being always supersedes your own! It means that you are 100% sold out to your wife and marriage. Not there yet? You will be when you determine to give up to self and give in to God. Only then can you see yourself as a mighty man of God instead of an “Old sinner.” Now let’s look more closely at how your wife defines “security.”
A – Security begins with unconditional love. Every wife must know that she is number one in the heart of her husband. Hey guys, working out at the gym is great, but a daily walk on the Emmaus road with Jesus will do far more for the inner man than the temporary look of the outward body. It’s guaranteed to give supernatural security to her heart, mind and soul.
B – Trust: A man must be trustworthy and discerning in all of his relationships, especially those with the opposite sex. CONSIDER: Wandering eyes are fodder for the devil’s lies. Little white lies will not stay hidden, and a man’s ways are always visible to the Lord (Heb. 13). Trust must be earned over time, but it can be lost very quickly.
C – Leadership: A wife must be at peace in her heart that her husband will lead, guide, and protect her in every situation. When a wife knows that her husband spends time in the Word, praying for wisdom and direction, she will be much more willing and desirous of meeting the needs of her husband. Hey guys! That is a good reason to stay in the Word. Another part of being an effective leader is being sure that the bills are being paid on time. Mr. Budget should always be the final decision maker at home. While a husband and wife may have separate bank accounts, (no hidden money) there should no longer be “my money” or “her money” in the sense of off limits. The husband and wife are one in every sense of the word, including money. However, if the wife is better than the husband at handling finances, then good, let the wife handle the finances. CAUTION! A husband should not ask his wife to pay the bills unless there is money to pay them with. Deut. 15:6 – “You shall lend but you shall not borrow.” That does not mean that it is a sin to borrow money, but misuse of money is the heavy stone that often brings much strife and disharmony to marriage. Pray before you borrow for “needs,” and commit to each other that you will not borrow for “wants.”
D- Expectancy: A husband should always set a positive tone that creates an atmosphere of “Good Expectancy.” Fear, worry, and anxiety are enemies of security. Everyone has moments and times when events and circumstances create an opportunity for negatives, but God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. When fear tries to come in, husbands should be first to say, “No.” fear and worry will not prevail in my home or in the mind of my wife. Train your mind to expect good things and remember that God only sends good and perfect gifts into your life (James 1:17). Sickness and lack are not perfect gifts. Wellness and prosperity are as much a part of the Atonement as salvation (111 John 11).
#2 – COMMUNICATION
Did you know that a woman uses about 20,000 words per day while the average male uses about 7000 words per day? Why? Again, God wired us differently, but a discerning wife will patiently use her communication skills to create a meaningful time of word exchange with her husband. Listen up guys!!! When you wife asks you a question, the words, “Fine,” or “OK” are not adequate words of communication. Stop being selfish and become determined that you will communicate with your wife. When your wife asks, “What are you thinking?” she is simply asking you to talk with her. Listen up guys! When you use words such as, “I feel,” or “share” you have hit her hot button because she is all about feelings.
Wives, do you want to know the key to having as successful time of communication with your husband? It is not complicated. Become his best friend and he will begin to share his heart. Making demands or consistently asking prying questions will only drive your husband further away.
Finally husbands, Learn to be “approachable.” That means that you may need to take off your brass hat and allow your wife to share her thoughts on some of your personal habits. We usually don’t want to hear them, but every husband has areas that need improvement. Being angry or defensive is a sure sign that help and change is needed.
# 3 – ROMANCE
Husbands, get a revelation! Romance to your wife does not always include sex! To her, romance always begins with —-
A – Affirmation: A wife needs DAILY affirmation that her husband loves her. NOTHING can take the place of saying, “I love you” and affectionate hugs.
B – Gifts: Wives enjoy receiving cards and flowers, especially when you send them and there is no special occasion. She sees them as affirmation that she is deeply engrained in the center of her husband’s heart.
C – Honor: A wife is blessed when her husband esteems her enough to open her car door, help her be seated at the dinner table, holds her hand when walking, or simply embraces her without ulterior motives. Let me give a short example: Our five year old grandson was in the back seat of our car and had observed that I always opened my wife’s car door and buckled her seat belt. Finally, he asked in great innocence, “Papa, why can’t Gammy open her own door and buckle her own seat belt?” I replied, “She can, but Papa does that because she is special.” Too which he replied, “Oh.” Training up a child in the way they should go is not easy, but neither is it complicated. Mr. Husband, do your children and friends see you esteem and honor your wife? _____
D – Date night: Our lives seem to stay busy, but let’s not get so busy that we fail to create a date night at least once a month. A time when the wife can dress up and feel special. A time without the children when the two of you can enjoy talking and share dreams and goals. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to make this time special. Please, no cell phones allowed. Just the two of you.
Husbands, this a long way from being a complete list of things you should consider concerning the vibrancy of your marriage. Seek the Lord, as He is already tugging at your heart and reaching into the deep hidden emotions of your soul. Knowing who your are and whose you are will go a long way towards a successful marriage. See yourself as a mighty man of God, not an old sinner trying to please God. That is false humility. Allow the Holy Spirit and the written Word to change you from the inside out because you cannot do it alone. REMEMBER!!! Happy Wife – Happy Life! Until next Friday when we will explore the subject: Happy Husband – Happy Home. We welcome questions and prayer requests. In Christ, Don & Penny